MLB’s All-Time All-Ugly Team

By Jason Garcia for Fanamana

You know, I’m really sick of hearing women talk about how hot Derek Jeter and David Wright are. If only they could see the uglier side of sports. While all athletes these days are rich, some sure aren’t easy on the eyes. Sad thing is, they still probably pull more tail than the average guy. But I can’t imagine any sane woman mingling with one of these guys. So without further ado, I present to you my version of Major League Baseball’s All-Time All-Ugly Team…

Click on each player name to see his lovely mug.

Position Playersjorge cantu
C   
Andy Etchebarren: Thankfully wore a mask the majority of time on the playing field.

1B Darrell Evans: Rumored to have walked into a window screen at high speed while playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” as a child.

2B Davey Johnson: Pretty scary even without the mustache.

SS Davey Concepcion: Prototypical shortstop, prototypical face for the All-Ugly Team.

3B Jorge Cantu: If only his wild facial hair could cover his entire mug.

OF Otis Nixon: Great times in the 40-yard dash. Looks like it was inside a 20-yard room.

OF Willie McGee: The picture speaks for itself.willie mcgee

OF Hideki Matsui: Almost as frightful as the real Godzilla.

DH David Ortiz: Bears a striking resemblance to Esther Rolle of Good Times.


Pitching Staff
SP Don Mossi: Retired the year before Etchebarren became a regular starter, thankfully sparing baseball fans from viewing the “ugliest” of matchups.

SP Bartolo Colon: Can easily pass for a bloated toad.

SP Randy Johnson: Perhaps another member of the animal kingdom — part ostrich?

SP Pascual Perez: Pretty bad when Melido Perez is the good-looking sibling.Pascual Perez

SP Fernando Valuenzuela: Deadly screwball with looks that could kill. Literally.

SP Zane Smith: So ugly we added a sixth spot to the rotation.

RP Ezequiel Astacio: Perhaps the ugliest man in all of sports history.

RP Julian Tavarez: As a child, thought he would be an adult movie star if he couldn’t be a baseball player. That sound you heard was a mass sigh of relief from female porn stars everywhere.

RP Jesse Orosco: Closed out the ’86 NLCS and World Series BUT…still ugly.

RP Craig McMurtry: Teamed up with Smith on the Braves.

RP Bob Walk: Was primarily a starter, but too much depth in this rotation sends him to the ‘pen.

Coaching Staff
Manager
: Joe Torre

Pitching CoachBob Apodaca

Honorable mentionsJack Wilson (SS), Kent Tekulve (RP), Benito Santiago (C)

The Braves seem to be the most common home for the esthetically challenged with six players on the list. The Pirates have four players on the roster, not including the honorable mentions. Zane Smith, Pascual Perez and Julian Tavarez actually played for both teams during their illustrious careers!

Did I miss anyone? Add ’em in the comments below — with a pic of course!

 


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